My visit in a nutshell. . .

It would take up this entire blogspace to articulate all the precious moments that I had with Anthony during my visit to Guatemala. To actually be able to hold him, touch him, embrace him, etc. was breathtaking. We spent four days of absolute bliss. Handing him back to the foster mother and watching them drive off was one of the hardest things life has ever dealt me.

I arrived at the hotel 10 minutes before our scheduled meeting. I was weak in the knees and extremely nervous. Muscling through the airport in a foreign country was certainly an experience to say the least. I quickly grabbed my gifts for the foster family and left my room to go to the lobby where it had been arranged for us to meet. As the elevator doors opened my heart was pounding so loud I was sure that everyone could hear it. With sweaty palms and a lump in my throat I stepped out and immediately scanned the large lobby looking for Marissa (the foster mother). I was sure I would recognize her and not sure that I would be able to recognize Anthony. Afterall, he had been changing so much between our picture updates. I kept reminding myself "soak in every detail. You have been waiting for this for almost 9 months now. You are going to hold your son for the first time ever in just a few short minutes." I could hear "The Rose" by Bette Midler playing over the lobby speakers and the smell of dinner was stemming from the restaurant.
As I took the bend of the hallway and turned toward the door, my eyes met Anthony's for the first time. He looked right at me as if he knew who I was and why I was there. He was sitting on the lap of his foster father (Juan) and beamed the biggest smile at me. Those last 10 steps to get to him felt like the final stretch of a tunnel marathon. With tears literally streaming down my face I rushed towards him eagerly waiting for someone to hand him to me. Without skipping a beat, Marissa jumped up and grabbed him. She held him out to me before I could even reach him. He just kept smiling and staring at me.
I continued to embrace him, soaking in his scent and feel for about 2 or 3 minutes as I cried uncontrollably. The whole time, Anthony just looked at me smiling and all excited.
After I compossed myself, we went up to the 2nd floor lounge area and had 1/2 hour visit. I was able to gather more information on the foster family and arrangements were made for them to come back 4 days later to pick him up. During the short visit with the foster family, Anthony had fallen asleep on me. The foster father even said "He is very comfortable with you. You are already connected. That is a good thing."
The following days entailed hours of pure joy. We played, laughed, swam, ate, etc. Other than a few VERY minor bouts of whining, Anthony was amazingly adjusted to me. He is a happy go lucky 9 month old who enjoys people, loves to be held, and proved to be a real snuggle bug.
I was incredible blessed to have met so many wonderful people during my stay. About a dozen "in-process" families were there and we quickly united. Lisa and Steve (using the same agency as us) were a Godsend. These new life friends of mine went over and above whatever I needed. Their son Evan (Andres) is the sweetest thing!
Tuesday came and I woke up with a broken heart. I had repeatedly attempted to prepare myself for this minute. Marissa would be there at 12:00 to pick-up Anthony. We spend the morning just soaking in every passing second together. At 10:40 the front desk called and informed me that the foster mother was there. What?! She is early! OMG!
We walked downstairs to find her there with her birth son (7 months old). She had come early to visit with me awhile and to introduce me to her son. I am sure in my heart that she wanted to help me feel better. As if to say " I am loving your son just as I love my own". I believe that. I really do.
When I handed Anthony off to her he quickly squeezed his face into hers. Extremely happy to see her and certainly loved. The immediate pangs of hurt quickly evaporated as God gently reminded me that "This is a good thing." Anthony NEEDS love, he NEEDS to have embrace and nurture. He is certainly gettting that from Marissa. After finding out that he calls her "Mami" my heart sank. She quickly asked in Spanish "Is that okay?" . I am glad that I composed my thoughts before blurting out my immediate answer. "It is okay" I said. And off they went into the front seat of a car (with both babies on her passenger side lap) off into the city. I stood there weaping for a moment. I really could have fallen to my knees screaming "Don't go! Come back!" I wiped my eyes and turned toward the door. Knowing full well I would be back as soon as God would allow. As my selfish pain started to lift, I kept thinking "It is so hard for us right now, but he is happy, healthy, and loved. He has a family that is caring for him until we can come back. He is not in an orphanage, he is not going hungry, he is not being neglected, and he has no idea of the pain that we are going through to get him home. This is a good thing. As hard as this is for me right now, I know that we will be here soon to bring him home forever."
I left for the airport quickly thereafter and as the plane soared out of the city, I looked down thinking "Only a mother's love and fight for her child could have gotten me here....and a mother's love and fight for her child will get me back".